I often wonder if, when I was dreaming about getting married and being a mom, I really knew what I was asking for. I know that the answer to this is NO. Before I continue, let me say that I would choose do nothing differently than I have. I LOVE my husband and my children more than anything in the world. That said, I was not fully aware of what it was to be a wife and mother. Sure, when I got married my named changed and I was often referred to as someone's wife, and I knew that was going to happen and I loved it. And I knew when my first child was born that I was now someone's mom, but I didn't get it. I didn't get that I was going to have to be the glue that held it all together. That when push came to shove, I was the one picking up the slack, that was my mom's job, wait now I was the mom:)
I thought things would be different for husband and I as we had been together for 12 years before Declan was born and it was alittle easier I think than what I heard my friends saying, but still after 3 kids in 3 1/2 years, Husband and I had drifted apart. We spent so much time apart husband traveled for work and when he was in town he left early and got in late(still does) and I was consumed with the daily errands of running a house with 3 kids. We didn't spend much time together(alone), there was always a kid around and something that needed to be done.
During this time many of my friends were having marriage issues, lots of separations, affairs and general discontent and I listened to their stories and thought I would never get there, I was wrong. When Maggie was about 1 1/2, I called my mom crying. Telling her I needed to leave. Husband and I had nothing in common and were growing apart and if it was like this now, what would it be like in 5,10 or 20 years. After she told me that she would help me with whatever I needed, she asked me how it was going to be better if I left. I didn't have an answer. Because I knew it wouldn't be. We would have to share the kids, I'd have to get a job and I would never see him. When one of my answers was that I would miss him, I knew the problem was not him or US, but more the change of our relationship as our family grew. We didn't understand what was happening or how to incorporate our marriage into our family. We were fine as MOM and DAD, but husband and wife we needed help with.
We talked about it(because as much as he dislikes it, we talk about EVERYTHING)and found ways to reconnect as husband and wife. Little things like having dinner together after the kids were in bed, getting a babysitter every once-in-awhile and even just watching tv together. Anytime we could spend together was good. It has been two years of really working on it, but we are doing a better job fitting our marriage into our family. As the kids get older, I find it easier to leave them with a sitter and someday, maybe I will leave them with my mom and go away with my husband:)
I am not sure how our story will end, but I know that it does take work to be married and kids don't make it easier. They are wonderful and they complete my life and I could not imagine life without them, but I didn't know how much they would change my marriage. I can sure see why there are so many kids from broken homes.
1 comment:
Well said.
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