AS THE BAND BEGAN TO PLAY OUT OF TUNE...

I really need to vent. Today, Ben and I had another meeting with the Child Find people about Killi. The outcome, they will come and evaluate her at school in the next few weeks. What this will do I'm not sure. She has been evaluated time and time again and nothing has come of it. Every time THEY evaluate her, she is fine or borderline or not behind enough to qualify for services; yet every time she is evaluated privately, a determination has been made that she has developmental delays. How can this be? I don't want to believe that they don't want what is best for her and are just blowing us off, but that is how it feels. I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so frustrated. I don't know where to turn next. We have been referred to The Kluge Center at the University of Virginia, and have gotten an appointment there in March. We are happy to have the appointment, but we now need to change our health insurance because none of the specialists we've been referred to take the insurance we have now. So, this means an additional $55 a pay period for health insurance, plus deductibles, plus God knows what else. I will do whatever I need to to help her, but I am really getting fed up with the system, Our we doing early intervention or not?

Next, I'd like to move on to the issue of Maggie being sick. I am not sure what is wrong with her but she has a fever and looks like she has pink eye. She also has a cough. Along with this, if it is possible, she has wanted me to hold her more today than others. I did not think that was possible as I feel all I do is hold/carry her around. I am hoping this plague skips over me as I am only a week out of a cold, shingles and an ear infection. I am sure I will not be that lucky, but I can hope, right?

To top the day, Declan announced at dinner tonight that he was not going to eat tonight until we lit our menorah. We our not Jewish, so I do not have one handy. He learned about Hanukkah at school today, and while I think that is great and I am very happy to have a menorah, pitching a fit at dinner tonight, was not what I needed. So, tomorrow I will search out a menorah for our house and refresh my knowledge of Hanukkah for dinner tomorrow.

Now I am tired as I am suffering a bout of insomnia, and have lots to do, 4 papers, finish Christmas cards, and mail out 50 invitations out for Megan's baby shower. I better get moving. I know tomorrow will be better:)

DON"T STOP BELIEVIN'

I hate the winter! The cold weather has just begun and already I have but on about 5lbs and I am sure there will be more to come. I worked so hard to shed the 30lbs I lost over the last 8 months, and now it is coming back. I guess the fact that I have stopped walking on the treadmill is not helping or the huge amounts of coke I've been drinking. I know I need to get back to walking and cut back on the soda, I just feel like I have no time. I know that is a no excuse, and I need to do it, and I am going to. Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it's a walking day:)

GOOD NIGHT MOON

Sleep. That is all I've wanted to do all day, so I pretty much have. It was 9:45, before I got out of bed, and then all I did was eat. I was back on the chair asleep by 11:00. I sat there for an hour, then moved to the couch where I slept on and off until 2:15 when I got up to do the dishes (dishwasher broke today, think it hasn't sunk in yet!). I was back asleep by 3 and didn't get up until 5 to help Ben get the kids ready for swimming and get ready for my hour alone with Maggie. I did make the kids dinner, clean up the playroom(Ben let them play all day and never clean up!), ran a vacuum, and do some more dishes, before I got Maggie to bed. Now, all the kids are in bed. Homework is done and I need to go back to sleep. I wish I knew why I felt so shitty. I don't know the last time I slept this much.

CAUTION: DELUSIONS AHEAD!

There are times at night when the kids are all fast asleep, that I think to myself, "This is not nearly as hard as I think it is." I have time do dishes, laundry, and even get abit of down time, what more could I want in a day. I reflect on all that happened throughout the day and no matter how bad I thought it was, it always has a silver lining. A mom could not ask for more, I have three prefect (remember they are sleeping:) children, and we are going to have a good day tomorrow!

SECOND KISS HAD A TWIST

If I could win the lottery what would change? I would move someplace warm. Have a pool and a personal trainer. And yes, that would be great, but real life would not change. I would still be married, still have three kids and still have all the stress that comes with it.

Yesterday brought a new list of doctors to have Killian evaluated by. Which brought insurance issues. Do we have the right one? Do we need to switch? If so what do we switch to. With every answer comes at least two more questions. I feel I am moving in the right direction, still it takes a great deal out of me physically and emotionally. It is causing me some insomnia.

Maggie was a tiny bit better today, not good, but better.


Declan decided he'd throw his hat in the ring and get an ear infection. So, on my way out the door to get Killi, the nurse called and Declan needed to be picked up. Thankfully, I was able to get a doctor's appointment this afternoon and he can get some meds in him so he won't be sick all weekend. A Friday afternoon trip to the pediatrician is never fun, you are never the only one trying to get in before the weekend. It is done, and he has meds, so we are on the road to recovery.

Rarely do I say nice things about the husband(and not because he isn't nice;just taken for granted) but so far today he has been great. I think I've called him no less than 20 times since he left for work, and not once has he blown me off. He has listened and offered only helpful advice. I hope this trend can continue for the rest of the weekend!

I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!

Being a mom is HARD work. From the time I was 5 I always knew what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to be a kindergarten teacher, get married, and have kids. I am 32 and have achieved the goals I set for myself. For that I am very happy. What I never bargained for was how tough being a mom was going to be, especially with three kids 3 1/2 years apart. Each day brings a new challenge; todays a test in patience. A challenge I seem to be loosing more days than not lately. By the end of everyday, I am so happy to put the kids to bed, not just happy, relieved that my day with them is done. It is not that I don't love them, but boy they are killing me these days.

Today, I took Killi to the pediatrician to have it on record that I believe she has some developmental delays, I am hoping this will help in our fight with the county to get her services. The doctor agreed that she is delayed and sent me on my way with a list of doctors she wants me to see. Now, I am searching for new insurances so that I can find the one that best works with the doctors she needs to see. I printed out the 126 page document for BCBS to see if this is where we go. Tomorrow I will read through a few more. Boy, this is tough. Looking for doctors, insurance, and answers, I am very overwhelmed. I just want to help my child. It is so frustrating, knowing your child needs help and not being able to help them. I will continue on and get the help and services she needs! I won't let her down.

Today was another FANTASTIC day with Maggie! It started about 12:15am when she came in crying, "Mommy I want to hold you", this meant a night sharing a bed with her. Followed by a stiff body from sharing a bed with her, to a grumpy, no patience mommy who listened to "I want to hold you!" all day. She is making me crazy, but I do love her! Ben reminds me every night how much I wanted her:)

Finally, I woke up this morning to find that my dog had found Killi's goop from school and spilled it all over my living room and playroom, it was great. I have new furniture in the living room:( It is clean now, so life goes on.

I am hopeful tomorrow will be a better day. And as hard as my day is, I wouldn't change places with anyone in the world. I have the best family ever (followed closely by the Kelleys :)

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SONGS ABOUT RAINBOWS?

Today was a tough day for me as a mom. I was not at my best. I was tired and did not want to get out of bed, but I did. And I went to Declan's school, and took the girls to lunch. Came home folded clothes, did dishes, vacuumed, make dinner, did homework, cleaned up dinner, make lunches, put the kids to bed, and this was a light day. Maggie is really testing my patience. She is up my ass all day long. She will not give me 5 minutes to go to the bathroom alone, I really want to cry or run away. On one hand, as a mom, I feel good that she loves and depends on me more than anyone else in the world;on the other, I am tired and could use a trip to the bathroom alone.

I do love her, as I do the other two and know how lucky I am to have them. Tomorrow I will have more patience.(I can hope anyway:))